Me and my big mouth!

Yes, I admit it I have a big mouth. I swore and swore the next time I saw him I would not let him know how I was feeling. I was going to pretend that I was strong and I was doing okay. In fact, I was not even going to say anything at all other than what was necessary to not ignore him completely. But as usual, my emotions got the better of me. So like the last 10 times I have seen him, I start out by yelling at him, telling him how much I hate him (which of course is not true). This time at least I didn't throw anything! But then a few minutes later there I go crying, and pleading with him to see reason, to see the hurt he is causing to all those around him. And, like every time I watch him walk away again, and am left drained, depressed, confused and angry. I am fully aware that there is nothing I can say or do to change his heart, but for some reason, I keep doing this. I am not sure what it would look like if he were to come over and I was cold and indifferent. Maybe even ignored him completely. Would that accomplish anything? I just keep feeling like he needs constant reminders of the pain he is choosing to inflict on his family.
But maybe next time I will try being cold and indifferent.

Standing

Yes, I copied this from somewhere else. But it is a fairly accurate description of where I am at and what I am rying to do.

I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.

I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.